There you were yesterday……………tapping happily on your computer keyboard as you emailed your friends and family etc……………………you edited your home website and uploaded the revised pages to your domain web space…………………………..
Suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, you turned the dreaded big 50………………..and so what WAS previously familiar to you suddenly becomes an alien being………….something that could have been delivered to you from Mars…………….and you seriously need……..HELP!
Have no fear because this article is especially for you! Calm down……….go and make yourself a nice cup of tea………………….IF, of course, you still remember how to make one!
Ooh dear………….just realised……………………..you can’t even read this can you?……….oops…………………have no fear……………..because I can ENLARGE the writing for you…………………
I do realise that, having turned 50, you will have forgotten that letters come in different FONTS……………….no – don’t worry if you have no idea what a font is………….all will become clear later on…….
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin. Make sure you are sitting in front of your computer. Now you have already done very well because you have actually remembered that it IS called a computer………….WELL DONE.
Can you see your mouse? Sorry about that…………..I should have provided you with a picture of one because, as I said earlier. everything to do with your computer may as well have been delivered from Mars…………………………………so here is a picture………………….
Oh dear……….I sense you are very confused……….because this mouse probably looks different to yours……….but you see……….this is MY mouse and NOT yours! They all can look a little different so yes…..they can be a bit scary at times………… My mouse mat is very helpful to me since I turned 50 too. It provides a stark warning to all those at work who want to ask me a question………..because turning 50 means you can no longer give an answer because you may have heard and seen it all………..but it is ALL forgotten!
Many think that I haven’t turned 50 yet but I have to tell them that it is all down to such trickery as hair paint and a clever hair style that covers up all those tell tale wrinkles! As to the saggy bags under my eyes………simple……..my grey tinted spectacles resolve that problem too!
Where was I? Oh yes……………..you now know what your mouse looks like. Can you see a “screen” or “monitor” as it is often called? You have forgotten what one of those looks like too? Never mind…….help IS here…………..and just so that you know what one looks like this is MY screen……..but remember it IS mine so it may not look quite the same as yours!
The monitor is where you are able to see what you type when you write an e-mail. Oh dear, you have forgotten what an “e-mail” is too. Never mind, I will explain. E-mails are electronic letters!
Oh no…you don’t know what the word “electronic” means now, sorry about that but all will become clear soon.
I have just realised! You don’t know what a keyboard is! HOW can you type an e-mail if you don’t know what a keyboard is and looks like! So here is another picture. Now remember that again this is MY keyboard and NOT yours so it may look a bit different and yes, just like the mouse it may be a bit scary but it isn’t really once you get used to using it!
I am now going to explain how to execute THE most important thing you will need to know if you are to use your computer EVER again and that is……… to turn it on! You can see MY computer’s “on” button on this picture. DO remember though……………..it may look very different to yours so again…… just a little bit scary. If that is the case…..take the opportunity now to make yourself ANOTHER cup of tea or coffee and chill out as you try to take in all the new things I have covered with you. Did I say “new” – well they will feel like that ….after all……….you ARE now 50!
Ah………you have returned. Well I am sorry to tell you but it is now MY turn to have a nice break and cuppa so I suggest you go to one of those lovely book stores and buy one of those computer books written ESPECIALLY for folks like us who sadly lost all our marbles and sanity the minute we turned 50!
Dedicated to all those misguided authors who really DO believe that everyone becomes blubbering stupid morons at the age of 50 and are no longer capable of understanding complicated instructions and therefore need specially written books to cater for their failing eyesight and comprehension skills……………..
Copyright ©Sarah Jane Price 31 October 2009
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